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How to tell when your Empire is crumbling

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  • How to tell when your Empire is crumbling

    Game Over: Thirty-Six Sure-Fire Signs That Your Empire Is Crumbling
    by David Michael Green


    So. You’ve built yourself an empire, eh?

    Well, bully for you!

    What’s next, you ask? Well, now you’ve got to do what everybody does when they have an empire, of course. You’ve got to worry about it falling apart, mate!

    But how to tell for sure? Let me see if I can be helpful. Here are some rules of thumb to keep in mind, thirty-six sure-fire indicators that your empire is falling apart:

    1. You know your empire’s crumbling when the folks who are gearing up their empire to replace yours start blowing up satellites in space. And then they don’t bother to return your phone calls when you ring up to ask why.

    2. You know your empire’s crumbling when those same folks are cutting deals left, right and center across Asia, Latin America and Africa, while you, your lousy terms, and your arrogant attitude are no longer welcome.

    3. You know your empire’s crumbling when you’re spending your grandchildren’s money like a drunken sailor, and letting your soon-to-be rivals finance your little splurge (i.e., letting them own your country).

    4. You know your empire’s crumbling when it’s considered an achievement to pretend that you’ve halved the rate at which you’re adding to the massive mountain of debt you’ve already accumulated.

    5. You know your empire’s crumbling when you weaken your currency until it looks as anemic as a Paris runway model, and you’re still setting record trade deficits. (Hint: Because you’re not making anything anymore.)

    6. You know your empire’s crumbling when “the little brown ones” (thank you George H.W. Bush – certainly not me – for that lovely expression) in country after country of “your backyard” blow you off and proudly elect anti-imperialist leftist governments.

    7. You know your empire’s crumbling when you can’t topple those governments and replace them with nice puppet regimes – like in the good old days – even if you wanted to. And you badly want to.

    8. You know your empire’s crumbling when one of their leaders comes to the United Nations and makes fun of your emperor, calling him the devil, and joking about smelling sulphur where he just stood. And though a few folks cringe, everybody laughs.

    9. You know your empire’s crumbling when just about your entire military land force is tied up in a worse-than-useless war launched on the basis of complete fabrications, that every day is actually making you less – not more – secure from external threat.

    10. You know your empire’s crumbling when almost half the soldiers in that war are high-paid mercenaries, and you don’t dare institute a draft.

    11. You know your empire’s crumbling when you send soldiers into war with two weeks training and a lack of armor, and then you keep them there for three, four and five rotations.

    12. You know your empire’s crumbling when a member of the Axis of Evil can test missiles and explode nuclear warheads, and all you can do about it is mumble some pathetic warnings about how they better not do that again or there will be consequences.

    13. You know your empire’s crumbling when you even think that there is an Axis of Evil.

    14. You know your empire’s crumbling when a rag-tag military hodge-podge of irregulars has you pinned down in an endless fight you can’t win, but also can’t lose.

    15. You know your empire’s crumbling when you’re too dumb to even ban Humvees as a first step toward ending your dependency on a foreign-owned crucial resource.

    16. You know your empire’s crumbling when you trade your prior moral leadership on human rights issues for global disgust at your torture, ‘extraordinary rendition’ (a.k.a. kidnaping for torture) and the dismantling of nine centuries worth of civil liberties progress.

    17. You know your empire’s crumbling when you blow off international law that you once helped create, and undermine the institutions of international governance that you once helped build.

    18. You know your empire’s crumbling when opinion polls confirm that every month you’re more and more despised throughout the world.

    19. You know your empire’s crumbling when you can’t even pull off the hanging of a tin-pot murderous former dictator without turning him into a hero.

    20. You know your empire’s crumbling when you’re the richest country in the world, but nearly 50 million of your people don’t have basic health care coverage.

    21. You know your empire’s crumbling when the World Health Organization ranks your healthcare system 37th ‘best’ in the world, just above Slovenia, and just below Costa Rica. (And far below Colombia, Cyprus, Saudi Arabia and Morocco.)

    22. You know your empire’s crumbling when instead of making it easier for citizens to obtain a higher education, you’re making it harder and more expensive.

    23. You know your empire’s crumbling when your government gives tax breaks to industries as a reward for exporting your jobs elsewhere.

    24. You know your empire’s crumbling when the so-called ‘opposition’ party can’t even turn that obscenity into a viable campaign theme and use it to clobber the worst emperor in your history.

    25. You know your empire’s crumbling when your middle class has been stagnant for three decades, while the wealth of the hyper-rich continues to climb through the roof.

    26. You know your empire’s crumbling when your reaction to that is to exacerbate the problem by enacting tax policies that massively increase further still the gap between the rich and the rest.

    27. You know your empire’s crumbling when the predatory class has taken over your government and is stripping the country of everything not bolted down to the floor. And then it sells the floor itself, as well, to your rivals.

    28. You know your empire’s crumbling when you’re spending tens of billions of dollars you don’t own on new nuclear warheads and space weapons that don’t work, to be used against an enemy you don’t have.

    29. You know your empire’s crumbling when one of your cities drowns and your government does next to nothing before, during and after.

    30. You know your empire’s crumbling when a massive environmental nightmare is looming around the corner, and your emperor not only ignores it, but claims it isn’t real while taking steps to exacerbate it.

    31. You know your empire’s crumbling when your emperor is warned by a CIA briefer of an imminent terrorist attack of vast proportions, and responds by remaining on vacation and dismissing the briefer with the words: “All right. You've covered your ass, now.”

    32. You know your empire’s crumbling when the same emperor drops everything to fly across the country from his vacation home in order to sign a bill intervening on the wrong side of a personal medical drama involving a single family.

    33. You know your empire’s crumbling when gays and immigrants are used as diversionary issues to keep people from thinking about the pillaging of their country and their wallets actually taking place. And it works.

    34. You know your empire’s crumbling when people are getting more religious and less scientific, not the other way around.

    35. You know your empire’s crumbling when your political leaders start to be chosen by dynastic rules of succession.

    36. And you especially know your empire’s crumbling when the most idiotic child of one of the least accomplished leaders in its history is not only crowned as the next emperor, but is even revered for a time by most of the public as a great one.

    Rome? Britain? Spain?

    At this rate we’ll be lucky to end up like Belgium.

    David Michael Green is a professor of political science at Hofstra University in New York.
    "Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race."

    -Albert Einstein

  • #2
    lol @ Hofstra...


    and relax, he's out of there in less than 2 years. Lame duck in a year and a half...

    Comment


    • #3
      Move aside, China is coming through.

      19. You know your empire’s crumbling when you can’t even pull off the hanging of a tin-pot murderous former dictator without turning him into a hero.
      Hahaha,

      Comment


      • #4
        Some of those points were inaccurate, but funny nonetheless, heh.
        Originally posted by ethan20
        There's a correlation between cervixal cancer in women and un-circumsized penises. Not to mention it almost cuts your bacteria count on the penis in half.
        Originally posted by reservoirGod
        Ethan sure does know alot about dicks

        Comment


        • #5
          I only read 20. You know your empire’s crumbling when you’re the richest country in the world

          and then I thought to myself, this doesn't make any sense, and I stopped reading.

          Comment


          • #6
            ^Did you consider reading the rest of the sentence?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by RoyceDA59 View Post
              I only read 20. You know your empire’s crumbling when you’re the richest country in the world

              and then I thought to myself, this doesn't make any sense, and I stopped reading.
              "...but nearly 50 million of your people don’t have basic health care coverage."
              "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -- Aristotle

              Comment


              • #8
                I was pwning bitches as the Ottomans in Age of Empires 3.. I own all the tribes and shit... Plus I have the biggest and most advanced army.

                Comment


                • #9
                  ^ lolz.

                  And these are funny but unfortunately for everyone who hates us, we ain't goin' nowhere. (why did I think of p.diddy when I typed that hahahahahah)
                  Clean Since: 12.10.08

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by whereismarshall View Post
                    I was pwning bitches as the Ottomans in Age of Empires 3.. I own all the tribes and shit... Plus I have the biggest and most advanced army.


                    omg you fucking Turk
                    Originally posted by FunkySuicideGirl
                    Ima sucker when some suck my lip or bite in it
                    Originally posted by Syko Squidge
                    ^
                    fuck off you gay piece of cunt
                    Originally posted by Otto
                    That shit is fuck,

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      2.9 trillion dollar budget plan proposed to Congress, which will probably get raised. Nah, don't think so.
                      "Post count reset due to freeposting"
                      -Admin

                      Every minute, my style switches up,
                      they said a real man won't hit a girl well
                      I ain't real cause I beat bitches up -Big L

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        you know i contemplated that one day capitalism, even with its exploitive behavior, could be the solution to solving the world's problems. but its like, when can we just push that damn button?!? all that wealth generated seems to slowly trickle down if it does at all. it doesnt even require much sacrifice. 50 billion dollars would solve the world's problem of providing sanitation, food, water and medicine to the world's population in extreme poverty. meanwhile bush asks for multi-trillion dollar defense budget. i remember when republicans used to bitch about "big government spending" in the 90s when it dealt with issues costing maybe a couple hundred billion dollars. now both parties accept the normalcy of deficit spending to the nth degree. im not tryna be around when shit hits the fan.

                        WWW.LIFEAFTERTHEOILCRASH.NET

                        WWW.LIFEAFTERTHEOILCRASH.NET WWW.LIFEAFTERTHEOILCRASH.NET

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