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umm i dunno i feel like written tonight and daleux is help my style with his critquen

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  • umm i dunno i feel like written tonight and daleux is help my style with his critquen

    i between heaven and hell it feels like im in a small jail cell/ i cant control these thoughts and i cant cotrol the fights i fought/and i cant control the shots i have shot/ all i can control i my lyrical flow and the ryhms i lay down and dont frown/ i may have some swearn but im just sharen/ my thoughts on the world that has betrayed me cant u see G/ if u knew my life u wouldnt wanna b more like me/i feel like this world is all fake and i made a mistake/ so please dont take away the small joys in my life that i live day to day i wish thing could stay the same way/ the way it was cuz i was happy and ididnt feel crappy/ but know i feel like i could jump off a ledge and land on the edge/ of a broken glass untill i pass/ out or shout for pain i have nothen to lose and every thing to gian/ cuz i cant substain/ another minute in this supoosed world it feels like it has unfurled/ in my lap and i feel like crap some/ u shot me know cuz i dont know how i can keep up tis sherade i just want to fade/ into the backround of the unverse were all i do all day is bust a verse/ and converse with the geats of the game so they could make my shit not sound lame/.............................once again this is not hw i feel
    if i kill u will u scream???

  • #2
    nice new one soul the rhymings deffinatley getting better with Dalux's help, but there were certain bits where i expected the rhyming to do something and then it didnt really if u get what i mean.
    The line: i may have some swearn but im just sharen// for example, it just slots in there nicley, but it kinda doesnt link in with the sentances around it, there isnt really and obvious rhymes going on in the line before it so i expected there to be a rhyme in the one after it, and i couldnt make out a good one. I know theres two in this line, but when i did it myself out loud, it just seemed there should be more. Keep working on it though, and i deffinatly can see your getting better! Keep it up:D

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