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my rap - Insane

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  • my rap - Insane

    This is a taste of my rap song im writing. It's not done yet, but what I have so far is some nice sh-- I think. Please give me all the feedback u can.

    Insane……… shoots whatever’s in range
    Whatever, fuels the flames, whatever makes ‘im deranged
    Whatever, opens the gates.....
    To the private hell inside of his brain.

    yo yo yo
    The murder was planned by the same man
    Who plays the same game multiple times
    With multiple guys
    he prolly thinks they have more then one life.
    Or else hes just sick, which more then likely's it, the reason why
    So many people had ta have died.
    What you don’t even know, is the number of people that cried
    when they found out their best friend was a victim of homicide.
    And hopefully the killer 'ill make sure he shows them the knife first
    Then moves straight through ta what makes up my next verse.
    The knife flies through your eyes, then it goes straight through and screws up your spine
    in a couple a seconds, you prolly will die.
    This damn moron, somehow thinks he's right
    its prolly the result of a natural high
    dont you just hope.... this faggot dies.....
    wait a minute…… did I just hear you say that…..
    I hope not because that’d make you one insane cat.
    but whatever the case the next thing he did
    was record the killings on tape.
    takein pictures of the woman he raped.
    ah... crap
    musta forgot ta wear a mask
    now they know, just who it was, that wielded the axe
    it's straight to the prison for him
    damn it. dont let insanity win.

    Insane……… shoots whatever’s in range
    Whatever, fuels the flames, whatever makes im deranged
    Whatever, opens the gates, too the private hell...... inside of his brain.

    Is he insane, or is he evil
    theirs so many shades of grey
    that no one can see through.
    Let's talk about andrea yates, this girl deserves too be raped, what'dya think this is....
    the devils coutroom, we can kill five kids and say its cause she's postmordum?
    Maybe it's because she's white, and of course that automatically makes what she does completely right?
    What the hell is this, why'd she have so many kids if she couldnt deal with it?

  • #2
    riiiight

    ok.. i didn't see much rhyming involved wit that song and usually it's a big part of rap. you rhymed that and cat, bout it. and a bit of advice, don't say 'oh crap' in a verse. i'm out.

    ------------------------------------
    "He Who Makes a Beast Out of Himself, Gets Rid of the Pain of Being a Man."
    ------------------------------------

    Comment


    • #3
      Yo i kinda liked the content but like yeroc said the rhyming was a lil basic. Also whether its just the way im reading it but, i kept losing the flow so it could be a tighter, But yo its ya 1st post right so keep at it man. Dont let criticism stop you, just embrace it and come back stronger.

      PEACE

      Illrun
      The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours-Stewie Griffen

      ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME

      R.I.P ~ Tupac Shakur-my biggest musical inspiration…you are missed everyday

      Comment


      • #4
        Well hell.I Thought it was kinda tight.Whats this about tha rhymin?Yall just read it wrong.Every part i read rhymed..smoothly at that.Keep it up playa.

        Comment


        • #5
          no rhyming? I appreciate the feedback, but try reading it again. The rhyming is just not right there in front of your face. Ever read eminem lyrics? they rhymes are not always apperent because you'l see the rhyme in the next sentence. When it's rapped with the right flow though....... it's untouchable. Also not everything has too be a driect thyme, sometimes syllables in the word are alike and it sounds just as good as rhyme, like deranged and brain.

          now heres some rhymes from it:
          sick/it
          died/cried
          cried/homicide (the cide rhymes.....)
          first/verse
          the whole eyes/knife/died thing sounds good when rapped
          high/dies
          that/cat
          tape/raped
          mask/axe
          him/win
          yates/raped
          devils courtroom/postmordum (not an exact rhyme, but rap would suck if it was just exact rhymes....... prolly why lots of it does kind of suck lol)
          white/right
          this/it works when you rap it

          Comment


          • #6
            oh.... and thanks controversial, I really appreciate your feedback guys..... wether it's constructive criticsm or compliments.... thanks

            Comment


            • #7
              ic ic

              aight i c the rhyme scheme now that i read it again and a lil slower. tight. you got a nice flow goin.
              ------------------------------------
              "He Who Makes a Beast Out of Himself, Gets Rid of the Pain of Being a Man."
              ------------------------------------

              Comment


              • #8
                thanks. Im actually going to be recording this when I get hold of a good microphone and a nice music creation software package. Im thinking for the chorus, it could have like a guitar riff in the background and be done kind of like The Way I Am (eminem). When the chorus winds down the guitar riff will slowly soften, and the beat will go from soft and slow and continue too get faster till it's in full swing, all while the guitar riff is winding down. The rap itself would be mostly fast. Im-a be putting in lots of sound effects and things like that. Tell me all what you think is your fav. part aight? Oh and if you dont like it for some reason, note that it's my first attempt at a rap song besides once when I was really bored and had no intention of finishing it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  come on....... roll with me dawgs. I want ta see some more feedback here!

                  Comment

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