New verse, better than last will return feed

Ive been wished in a tomb eversince I came through the womb
Everyone round me assume, everyone thought I'd drown in doom
All the teachers would become preachers when they speak of us
Like They couldnt teach us or even reach us, finna be makin unique figgas
If I listened everyday dreams would be more gone as I go on
turns out they couldnt be more wrong now they soundin like a moron
They wanted to get the kid more hopeless, and lose his focus
They haunted n shit they said made me know this goal is (reachable, reachable)
So the hate is unable to side track, n now fate makes me want to ride back
N now I have been able to slide stack back to those who had my back
Always know the worlds against you, and any one on the fence too
But No can can handle independece ooo,so find someone with defense dude
Know you can never give up, take what you need to live up highclass
Tell the world to kiss my ass, cuz that what they did to be able to fly pass
Everyone below makin a few zeros, in life no need to be true heros
There can only be a few pharoahs so you gonna suffer pain or be pros

[L.A.]

5/10.....kinda simple,,few multis,,no punches an no meta's that i seen.......keep elevatin homie

[CT9]

thx for the feed

[40_Ounce]

Ive been wished in a tomb eversince I came through the womb
Everyone round me assume, everyone thought I'd drown in doom

This line is an attempt at internal and 'external' rhyming, and I think it needs some work. The first line isn't that bad, but the second line sounds corny to me.



All the teachers would become preachers when they speak of us
Like They couldnt teach us or even reach us, finna be makin unique figgas

I must point out the flow in these two lines. The story goes from being looked down on by society, and then the end of the second line jumps out saying that the author is going to be making money.... but how? and why there?.....and it doesn't rhyme

If I listened everyday dreams would be more gone as I go on
turns out they couldnt be more wrong now they soundin like a moron
They wanted to get the kid more hopeless, and lose his focus
They haunted n shit they said made me know this goal is (reachable, reachable)

Forced, bad multi's

So the hate is unable to side track, n now fate makes me want to ride back
N now I have been able to slide stack back to those who had my back

I read these lines...and I ask myself wth is he talking about....and why? Though nice rhyming here for the first time in this peice.

Always know the worlds against you, and any one on the fence too
But No can can handle independece ooo,so find someone with defense dude

Hey, I like this line.....

Know you can never give up, take what you need to live up highclass
Tell the world to kiss my ass, cuz that what they did to be able to fly pass

.... and I don't like this one. I think you're aiming to be inspirational, but the rhymes are off and so is the point, imo.


Everyone below makin a few zeros, in life no need to be true heros
There can only be a few pharoahs so you gonna suffer pain or be pros


The rhyming is off again in these lines.


Btw, don't think I'm being an ass. I got respect for you and I know you can do better.

Remember the good old Dead President's days?