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Am I right In My Constructive Criticism of this Rhyme Feedback ASAP

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  • Am I right In My Constructive Criticism of this Rhyme Feedback ASAP

    inspired by CANiBUS-100 BARS

    DeCYFA
    50 / 50
    VeRse 1
    No, no, no// you done think I fell off like a child on a see saw//
    So I regain the factual skills, make heat like the earthís core//
    I used to be bored now I'm ready for a new age war//
    Like Bush and Iraq thereís no cause I just hate to see Gore//
    I fight like Jet Li in a narrative closed with lyrics//
    No point in respiration, I steal your oxygen while you hear this//
    You still spear faeces no wonder you keep talkin bullshit//
    Engulfing your body like phagocytosis like were sick//
    Shot you like lymphocytes or just leave you infected//
    Lift you like your convected, radiate away like I'm deflected//
    Unless I get protected I wonít afford to be affected//
    Don't need to be accepted I realise that I'm eclectic//
    If you don't like this I change my style and re-label//
    Insuperable ain't the word coz I'm just super able//
    Insurmountable, I'm impressive when I rockin the cables//
    No way I'm goin bacc to battles that be left on the table//
    Ain't on a payroll, I like to pay in rolls instead of holes//
    Hold a tight fist, then these parasites ain't thieve my soul//
    Some say I have a black heart made of covalent coal//
    But Iíd rather say its diamond too hard to be gettin poled//
    Maybe stole but its bacc before I know but not tarnished//
    Just varnished away and cold so I'm kinda carmish//
    Like I been smokin hashish I chill out and then I cant miss//
    I plant hits coz somethingís growing each time I sew it//
    Then I blow it as bloods at the surface, purposely diverted//
    If I let you heal I would be weak instead of inserted-//
    To the hall of fame so Iím not allowed to be inverted//
    My rhymes are turgid from the fluid of intelligence through osmosis//
    Unlike yours that are thrombosis only get saved by a proboscis//
    Anti coagulant get spit but virus makes haemoglobin split//
    Million more organisms engulf your body making a temperature blip//
    But relish this coz it the only way something flush your shit//
    Itís as good as a toilet, itís a waste to have you near my body physics//
    The kinetic energy should be spent on makin potential to fall//
    High-speed drop make money but stay straight like a rule//
    Jah bless this riddim as I speak in Decyfaís school//
    N.I.G.G.A is the creed we graffiti up worship on the walls//
    Use the hieroglyphs to show the uses of natural tools//
    The original metaphysics of the mind control motion//
    Telepathic thinkin to move and control audience emotion//
    My knowledge increase in density like an icecap in an ocean//
    Soon the world will fall to be in a fit of commotion
    I'm truly conjurer of evil like Macbeth and witches potion//
    Imagine if I was the Devils Advocate Iíd possess all things that open//
    Its law I must be this way like I live in a dictatorship//
    I only think in my mind yet I think the freedom there does slowly slip//
    I can only grip and grasp at it to truly feel itís worth the grit//
    The shit I take like my life is a prison full of these dicks//
    Iíd have to spit and cuss and flair coz the government make me share//
    In taxes even tho I'm scared I have to work away to bare//

    another lyricists on another forum that i am on

    my criticism

    it's ok il give it 6/10

    too me it's a nothing verse

    i found it boring to read and it is far too long

    there isn't like no concept behind it

    it to me just looks like u just put big words in it

    too make people think it's good

    im sure alot of those words didn't even need to be put into it

    they would of been plausable if u used them to set off the next line as a multi-syllable but u didn't
    *Da Lyrical Genius Who Needs No Crew*

  • #2
    I'll give it an Aight 4-10 cause you know...it is aight but it is kinda "Borin" to read
    Rollin
    Alone]
    Gettin Stoned]
    On my own]
    Mass respect for. Gess Hava, Tennessee, Brooklyn]

    Comment


    • #3
      cool

      it ain't my rhyme by the way peeps
      *Da Lyrical Genius Who Needs No Crew*

      Comment

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