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  • please read my poem...

    well, it goes like this..... my friend died a few days ago... and i wrote this poem..... in my english class we were learning about poems and we had to write one, so i wrote this... weird timing, huh? anyway... i know there may be some flaws, but i wrote it really fast, and its heartfelt...
    IF there was a way to keep you alive
    THERE WOULD be so much happiness in this world
    ALL OF THE WORLD would just begin to thrive
    SINCE THE DAY you were just a little girl
    NOW I know that you are forever gone
    BECAUSE now I know that it was your time
    FROM NOW ON I will look at things that aren't wrong
    ALWAYS WILL THERE BE your kind love and mine
    BUT I will now look to a brighter day
    SO I can carry on your great big smile
    AND for you each day I'll stop and pray
    FOREVER we will remember your individual style
    HOW WONDERFUL the memories that you bring
    HOW GREAT heaven will look with you shining
    R.I.P. DESHAUN "PROOF" HOLTON
    (F)10/2/75-4/11/06(F)
    "THEY SAY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG...." WE'LL MISS YOU

  • #2
    Please Comment On It!!!!! Thanks!
    R.I.P. DESHAUN "PROOF" HOLTON
    (F)10/2/75-4/11/06(F)
    "THEY SAY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG...." WE'LL MISS YOU

    Comment


    • #3
      anyone gonna say sumthin?
      R.I.P. DESHAUN "PROOF" HOLTON
      (F)10/2/75-4/11/06(F)
      "THEY SAY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG...." WE'LL MISS YOU

      Comment


      • #4
        you don't need to up your poem this much when it is still on the first page. read the rules or next time your thread will be closed.
        ... it's no surprise, that I got lost in your brown eyes ...

        Comment


        • #5
          Oh Ok...
          R.I.P. DESHAUN "PROOF" HOLTON
          (F)10/2/75-4/11/06(F)
          "THEY SAY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG...." WE'LL MISS YOU

          Comment


          • #6
            I hate you for not making the title of the thread the title of the poem. I aslo hate you for upping like a meth addict. As for the poem, a cliche topic, flow is confuseing, the bold words are random.

            Comment


            • #7
              ^i totally agree wit what starie88 said, gurl it makes ppl not want to read your poem by entitling it "please read my poem" and asking ppl to comment on it 3 times - gosh thats jus desperate! Im sorry for your freind, the poem however is a obvious cliche kind of embarresing to read..
              ...Gurl on da Mike



              3;-)3

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              • #8
                oh....ok.... the bold words were the outline that my teacher gave us.... thats why theey are bold... and like i said... i know there are some flaws... and sorry about me appearing to be desperate...
                R.I.P. DESHAUN "PROOF" HOLTON
                (F)10/2/75-4/11/06(F)
                "THEY SAY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG...." WE'LL MISS YOU

                Comment


                • #9
                  Damm people show some remorse. I'm not really into poems, but since this one has alot of meaning behind it. I like it. Good work.
                  Chicago Bears = NFC champions 2006

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I Like It

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Yes..

                      I really don't like reading others poems when they title the thread as "please read", "Will leave reps for feed", "you have to read this"

                      And then to top it off by not seeing them respond to others works in the forum either. If anything, you turn them off from wanting to read it.

                      But, anyways, the poem wasn't bad.. I haven't had a death of someone close to me before, so I can't tie myself to this poem in many ways. But, it means something to you, and thats all that matters.
                      Now let the night be dark for all of me.
                      Let the night be too dark for me to see
                      Into the future. Let what will be, be.'

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        word ^ the title turns off the reader
                        I think this would of been better if you chose different
                        words for this. it didn't do much for me, emotion wasn't
                        there at all. Maybe you felt what you were writing...but
                        yet once again the reader didn't feel it. i am sorry for
                        your loss...it's hard losing a freind..keep ya head up and
                        pen flowing.
                        .
                        .
                        .

                        she borrowed my shoes
                        and noticed, how wore down my;
                        soul has really got

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          thanks tweek, plasma, psycho, and tay-tay... i appreciate the love and support from you guys!!
                          R.I.P. DESHAUN "PROOF" HOLTON
                          (F)10/2/75-4/11/06(F)
                          "THEY SAY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG...." WE'LL MISS YOU

                          Comment

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