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  • A Tip for the "poets"

    Not to sound negative, but just about every poem I read in these threads was not deep. Surely, your intentions were good, but just because words rhyme, and you mention "tears" or "heart", does NOT make it deep. There was no use of imagery or symbolism or anything that makes poems deep. Writing a GOOD poem isn't all that easy. Just a word of advice. HOLLA
    Snoop Dogg "Nuthin but a G thang"- "You never know she could be earnin' her man, and learnin' her man/ and at the same time burning her man/ now you know i aint' with that shit Lieutenant/ ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it"

    Common "sum shit I wrote": "My style is steep, I rip rhymes on the incline/ splat guts, bust fat nuts, and lay up like a crypt line."

    Eminem- "just to get to see an MC who breathes so freely/
    Ease over these beats and be so breezy/ Jesus how can shit be so easy?/ How can one Chandra be so Levy?"

    Originally posted by yummyangel
    topdogg--dude youre hott
    Topdoggkyle Fan Club:
    President: hawtlilchick27
    Vice Pres.: shadyvsbizkit
    #1 fan: Sierra69
    #2 fan: x-press
    Official Groupie: Thug Biatch

  • #2
    word man i know wut u mean we did this poetry shit in class and 99% of the poems were shit.
    Wake Up Lazarus
    "Kill Radio"
    "Don't Blame Me"
    "What Do I See?"
    "Us Against the World"

    The Fallen Angels Movement

    Comment


    • #3
      wat aboout this one, what would u class dis as:

      Sometimes life gets the best of you
      And you break down and cry
      Sometimes life gets the best of you
      And all you wanna do is die
      Sometimes life gets the best of you
      And you just don’t know why
      But life never truly gets the best of you
      Till you slit you wrists…and die

      And while you sat there bleeding
      Counting every second going by
      You sat in a dark room weeping
      With your life flashing by your eyes
      Dreamt of all the good things
      And how they slipped right by

      You sat in a dark room crying
      Blood rushing out your veins
      There was nothing left to do
      Except close your eyes...and die

      Now life has definitely got the best of you
      Your body lifeless on the floor
      No one knows your lying there
      No one knew your pain

      Now someone’s knocking on the door
      No answer, they walk in
      Shocked and frozen in horror
      And you thought they never cared

      Sometimes life gets the best of you
      Infact life is what you feared
      Sitting in darkness crying
      Letting others in
      That you never dared
      Mystery
      Another Fallen Soldier
      ~Rest In Piece Marvin, Mark, Leona, Proof & Kasey J~

      Comment


      • #4
        good job!(and im not bein sarcastic)

        Comment


        • #5
          I would say its not bad homie... last stanza is the best one... HOLLA
          Snoop Dogg "Nuthin but a G thang"- "You never know she could be earnin' her man, and learnin' her man/ and at the same time burning her man/ now you know i aint' with that shit Lieutenant/ ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it"

          Common "sum shit I wrote": "My style is steep, I rip rhymes on the incline/ splat guts, bust fat nuts, and lay up like a crypt line."

          Eminem- "just to get to see an MC who breathes so freely/
          Ease over these beats and be so breezy/ Jesus how can shit be so easy?/ How can one Chandra be so Levy?"

          Originally posted by yummyangel
          topdogg--dude youre hott
          Topdoggkyle Fan Club:
          President: hawtlilchick27
          Vice Pres.: shadyvsbizkit
          #1 fan: Sierra69
          #2 fan: x-press
          Official Groupie: Thug Biatch

          Comment


          • #6
            yea rote dat a couple yrz bk, i aint big on poemz and rittin poemz, dat was da 1st proper poem i rote.

            i fink the last stanza is my best 1 too.
            Mystery
            Another Fallen Soldier
            ~Rest In Piece Marvin, Mark, Leona, Proof & Kasey J~

            Comment


            • #7
              thanx SB
              Mystery
              Another Fallen Soldier
              ~Rest In Piece Marvin, Mark, Leona, Proof & Kasey J~

              Comment


              • #8
                mystery

                that is heavy.
                and one of the best ive read on the net. good job!
                thou we try to escape, that which is a matter of fate. Fill our lungs full of smoke, in hopes to choke out the hate.

                Comment


                • #9
                  yo, obviously u havent checked my latest poem, cop it yall
                  Mafia Mascot

                  Yeah.. I went there

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Mystery, damn boy.. That was an eye opener for anyone that is suicidal.. *Applauds
                    marketable,I am.. <------cLICK ME

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      hey topdoggkyle, i was just wondering if this is wat u meant by "deep"? get back at me dawg peace(also every1 feel free 2 critizise or praise or wateva u wanna do just gimmie some feedback plz)

                      Dear God.
                      why have u made us 2 search for something more
                      why with each advance there is another door
                      is life but an endless search of the worse kind
                      where there is always something else 2 find
                      does each person have a holy grail they shall never hold
                      yet they will look for this thing until they grow old
                      God can u plz tell me, "wats my holy grail?"
                      because in life i wish 2 succeed, not fail
                      I'm not sure whether it is just me, but y does it always rain?
                      It succeeds in hiding the tears but not washing away the pain
                      Is that the rain holy grail, 2 wash away mine and others pain?
                      and since it never will, will the rain b forever in shame
                      God can u plz tell me if i am like the rain in the life?
                      and will i b like the rain in the next life of strife?
                      If we get a choice Id like 2 b like the sun, always shining
                      cause the sun comes after the rain and ppl start smiling
                      the sun drys away the pain and makes u feel warm
                      yes the sun always comes after the storm
                      God can i b changed to b like the sun now?
                      If so plz just tell me how?
                      Cause the suns light is a sign of hope
                      and with life the suns light helps me 2 cope
                      or is that my holy grail to b like the sun?
                      In the name of the father and of the sun, God plz make me the 1.......

                      Amen

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Not all poems are meant to be "deep" or have imagery or symbolism.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Dena, don't get me wrong, when i say "deep", I don't necessarily mean emotional... I mean it has depth in the sense where you can tell thought was put into it.... There are happy poems out there. Not every poem is meant to be "y is my life like this?".. That's so cliche.

                          B-Lynk, don't take what I have to say as a diss, I am simply giving constructive criticism... You've got potential... the "Holy Grail" analogy, I thought was tight... However, in the poem, you were too often cliche... for example, "I'm not sure whether it is just me, but y does it always rain?/It succeeds in hiding the tears but not washing away the pain". A line like that that includes "rain" is extremely cliche... it has been used over and over and over to the point where it almost has no real meaning, na'mean? Gotta try to be a lil more original... But then again, how much time did you take writing this poem? I bet you didnt' take all that much time, and I can tell. So maybe sometime you can sit down for a while, take your time, and write a deep ass poem. I'd love to hear it.. HOLLA
                          Snoop Dogg "Nuthin but a G thang"- "You never know she could be earnin' her man, and learnin' her man/ and at the same time burning her man/ now you know i aint' with that shit Lieutenant/ ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it"

                          Common "sum shit I wrote": "My style is steep, I rip rhymes on the incline/ splat guts, bust fat nuts, and lay up like a crypt line."

                          Eminem- "just to get to see an MC who breathes so freely/
                          Ease over these beats and be so breezy/ Jesus how can shit be so easy?/ How can one Chandra be so Levy?"

                          Originally posted by yummyangel
                          topdogg--dude youre hott
                          Topdoggkyle Fan Club:
                          President: hawtlilchick27
                          Vice Pres.: shadyvsbizkit
                          #1 fan: Sierra69
                          #2 fan: x-press
                          Official Groupie: Thug Biatch

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            p.s. Dena, Chi-town represent, haha... HOLLA
                            Snoop Dogg "Nuthin but a G thang"- "You never know she could be earnin' her man, and learnin' her man/ and at the same time burning her man/ now you know i aint' with that shit Lieutenant/ ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt while I'm up in it"

                            Common "sum shit I wrote": "My style is steep, I rip rhymes on the incline/ splat guts, bust fat nuts, and lay up like a crypt line."

                            Eminem- "just to get to see an MC who breathes so freely/
                            Ease over these beats and be so breezy/ Jesus how can shit be so easy?/ How can one Chandra be so Levy?"

                            Originally posted by yummyangel
                            topdogg--dude youre hott
                            Topdoggkyle Fan Club:
                            President: hawtlilchick27
                            Vice Pres.: shadyvsbizkit
                            #1 fan: Sierra69
                            #2 fan: x-press
                            Official Groupie: Thug Biatch

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              thanx topdoggkyle, appreciated. I didn't take it as a diss i took it more as a challenge and ur right it didnt take me long 2 write because wen i rite i dont believe in first drafts and spending hours on a piece because poetry should represent wats on ur mind, wat ur feeling and if u are really in touch with ur emotions the words flow and u dont have 2 sit down for an hour or so 2 write, like in an 8 i can have between 3 and 8 pieces of poetry written depending on wats happen that day how i feel and if i got some decent thoughts on my mind. Thanx 4 the feedback its appreciated and its wat ive been looking for from some1 4 a long time cause im sick of ppl just saying yeap thats good where as i wanted some1 2 disect it in the way u have and i write that piece ill get back at ya. peace out B-Lynk

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