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The 10 Types Of Gamers - A Study In Lunacy
If you're like me, you probably know many different kinds of people that enjoy playing videogames. You've also probably noticed that people play games in many different ways. I know that my experiences with friends and fellow gamers alike have shown me a rich tapestry of insanity just waiting to be unraveled.
Type 1 - The Masher
The Masher is a strange breed. He feels that pushing as many different buttons on the controller as fast as possible will gain him an advantage in any game he tries to play. Often, The Masher will gain an edge in a game that requires quick button presses and incidentally increase his own thoughts of skill. All comes crashing down when he is faced with a game that penalizes mashing though. As an interesting side note, some games have implemented a "mash limiter" in certain areas assuring that The Masher can press as fast as he wants but still not get anywhere at all. Think of the X-Wing raising sequence in Rebel Strike 3 for a good example.
Type 2 - The Clicker
The Clicker is a danger to most modern controllers. You can easily distinguish a Clicker by the symphony of smashing coming from the analog sticks of their controllers. Try telling a Clicker that a game has analog sensitivity and you are often greeted with a blank stare and a resumption of the delightful sound of your sticks being rendered useless. The most fun thing to do with a Clicker is to play an FPS game with them. Then delight in the sight of them trying to do precision aiming while smashing the stick as hard as possible. Also known as "The Stick-Masher".
Type 3 - The Stoned Wonder
Ever known a guy who really sucks at videogames? Sure you have. Have you ever seen the exact same person perform exceptionally well when they have inhaled mass quantities of marijuana? The Stoned Wonder is a sight to behold. Below average at best when completely sober, these fiends will turn into a wrecking machine when enjoying healthy doses of THC. Now, a Stoned Wonder need not suck at videogames before he gets high. He just has to be much, much better when indulging in the wacky weedus.
Type 4 - The Reverse Stoned Wonder
See above, but switch everything. The Reverse Stoned Wonder is often a great gamer when not smoking, but add hoots to the mix and he falls apart. A unique variation of The Reverse Stoned Wonder are those that can easily ingest a set number of tokes but fall apart after reaching their predetermined breaking point.
Type 5 - The Specs Gamer
You know these guys. They are the ones that are more concerned with what's happening inside their system as opposed to actual usage. Ever encounter a guy who was convinced that the PS2 could fire nuclear missles? Ever run into someone who was sure that the PS3 was more powerful than even the most powerful super computer? Specs Gamer's are often deluded to the point of complete insanity. When confronted with actual game situations their delusions will either fail or completely take hold. When you confront a Specs Gamer with gameplay footage, be prepared for a myriad of nonsensical excuses to explain away their previous thoughts of power. "The developer isn't harnessing the technology properly" is a popular one. Or, more commonly "At least I don't own a Gamecube."
Type 6 - The Soothsayer
Probably the funniest type of gamer. These are the guys who always think they know better than you do. The best part of The Soothsayer is that they often play no games at all! But they do always know what they are talking about. Revel in the lunacy as you are told to "look over there" or the ever popular "you should have jumped". The Soothsayer does serve an important function, however. Without their wisdom and guidance you would never be aware of the fact that getting hit by gunfire actually damagaes you! An interesting offshoot of The Soothsayer is The Justifier. The Justifier operates just like The Soothsayer with the notable exception of the ability to play well at certain points. But when things go wrong, the game "fucked them over".
Type 7 - The Banner
A very common type of gamer. The Banner is the kind that enjoys a game up to the point he begins losing. Then he begins wildly throwing anything in sight along with telling you just how much the current game sucks. Nevermind the fact that he was loving it 5 minutes ago. The Banner is unique in that he actually feels rage at the actions of the console he's playing on and acts accordingly towards the offending device.
Type 8 - The Mature
Okay, THIS is probably the funniest type of gamer. The Mature feels that the type of games he plays reflects upon his age and therefore his sexual orientation. The Mature tend to form packs with the "most mature" often becoming the alpha moron. This mental heavyweight dictates to others what will and will not be acceptable and what will and won't make them look like "total fags". Field observation will often reveal a symbiote type relationship with a creature known as "Mom". Without the help of this mysterious force, The Mature are forced into a strange type of behaviour known as "a tantrum". This will usually result in Mom buying the M rated game for their underaged "big boy".
Type 9 - The Perma-Fluke
Infuriating. The Perma-Fluke is one of the most insane gamers you can encounter. They'll get through the hardest parts of games without knowing the controls. You'll tell them how to play and they revert to pressing anything. If you are a Perma-Fluke, don't despair. They can often enter into another type of category with slight amounts of electro-shock and prozac.
Type 10 - The Innovation Fan
Needs no explaination. If you have to ask, you will never know. However, I will say that The Innovation Fan is on the cutting edge of the gameplay aspect of games. You will often lose to these types of gamers, but don't feel bad. Chances are good that you fit into one (or more!) of the above catergories.
If you're like me, you probably know many different kinds of people that enjoy playing videogames. You've also probably noticed that people play games in many different ways. I know that my experiences with friends and fellow gamers alike have shown me a rich tapestry of insanity just waiting to be unraveled.
Type 1 - The Masher
The Masher is a strange breed. He feels that pushing as many different buttons on the controller as fast as possible will gain him an advantage in any game he tries to play. Often, The Masher will gain an edge in a game that requires quick button presses and incidentally increase his own thoughts of skill. All comes crashing down when he is faced with a game that penalizes mashing though. As an interesting side note, some games have implemented a "mash limiter" in certain areas assuring that The Masher can press as fast as he wants but still not get anywhere at all. Think of the X-Wing raising sequence in Rebel Strike 3 for a good example.
Type 2 - The Clicker
The Clicker is a danger to most modern controllers. You can easily distinguish a Clicker by the symphony of smashing coming from the analog sticks of their controllers. Try telling a Clicker that a game has analog sensitivity and you are often greeted with a blank stare and a resumption of the delightful sound of your sticks being rendered useless. The most fun thing to do with a Clicker is to play an FPS game with them. Then delight in the sight of them trying to do precision aiming while smashing the stick as hard as possible. Also known as "The Stick-Masher".
Type 3 - The Stoned Wonder
Ever known a guy who really sucks at videogames? Sure you have. Have you ever seen the exact same person perform exceptionally well when they have inhaled mass quantities of marijuana? The Stoned Wonder is a sight to behold. Below average at best when completely sober, these fiends will turn into a wrecking machine when enjoying healthy doses of THC. Now, a Stoned Wonder need not suck at videogames before he gets high. He just has to be much, much better when indulging in the wacky weedus.
Type 4 - The Reverse Stoned Wonder
See above, but switch everything. The Reverse Stoned Wonder is often a great gamer when not smoking, but add hoots to the mix and he falls apart. A unique variation of The Reverse Stoned Wonder are those that can easily ingest a set number of tokes but fall apart after reaching their predetermined breaking point.
Type 5 - The Specs Gamer
You know these guys. They are the ones that are more concerned with what's happening inside their system as opposed to actual usage. Ever encounter a guy who was convinced that the PS2 could fire nuclear missles? Ever run into someone who was sure that the PS3 was more powerful than even the most powerful super computer? Specs Gamer's are often deluded to the point of complete insanity. When confronted with actual game situations their delusions will either fail or completely take hold. When you confront a Specs Gamer with gameplay footage, be prepared for a myriad of nonsensical excuses to explain away their previous thoughts of power. "The developer isn't harnessing the technology properly" is a popular one. Or, more commonly "At least I don't own a Gamecube."
Type 6 - The Soothsayer
Probably the funniest type of gamer. These are the guys who always think they know better than you do. The best part of The Soothsayer is that they often play no games at all! But they do always know what they are talking about. Revel in the lunacy as you are told to "look over there" or the ever popular "you should have jumped". The Soothsayer does serve an important function, however. Without their wisdom and guidance you would never be aware of the fact that getting hit by gunfire actually damagaes you! An interesting offshoot of The Soothsayer is The Justifier. The Justifier operates just like The Soothsayer with the notable exception of the ability to play well at certain points. But when things go wrong, the game "fucked them over".
Type 7 - The Banner
A very common type of gamer. The Banner is the kind that enjoys a game up to the point he begins losing. Then he begins wildly throwing anything in sight along with telling you just how much the current game sucks. Nevermind the fact that he was loving it 5 minutes ago. The Banner is unique in that he actually feels rage at the actions of the console he's playing on and acts accordingly towards the offending device.
Type 8 - The Mature
Okay, THIS is probably the funniest type of gamer. The Mature feels that the type of games he plays reflects upon his age and therefore his sexual orientation. The Mature tend to form packs with the "most mature" often becoming the alpha moron. This mental heavyweight dictates to others what will and will not be acceptable and what will and won't make them look like "total fags". Field observation will often reveal a symbiote type relationship with a creature known as "Mom". Without the help of this mysterious force, The Mature are forced into a strange type of behaviour known as "a tantrum". This will usually result in Mom buying the M rated game for their underaged "big boy".
Type 9 - The Perma-Fluke
Infuriating. The Perma-Fluke is one of the most insane gamers you can encounter. They'll get through the hardest parts of games without knowing the controls. You'll tell them how to play and they revert to pressing anything. If you are a Perma-Fluke, don't despair. They can often enter into another type of category with slight amounts of electro-shock and prozac.
Type 10 - The Innovation Fan
Needs no explaination. If you have to ask, you will never know. However, I will say that The Innovation Fan is on the cutting edge of the gameplay aspect of games. You will often lose to these types of gamers, but don't feel bad. Chances are good that you fit into one (or more!) of the above catergories.
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