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Waking Up with a Naked Bitch You've never met: The First Steps

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  • Waking Up with a Naked Bitch You've never met: The First Steps

    Waking Up with a Naked Bitch You've never met: The First Steps


    Saturday morning you wake up expecting to be lying in a pool of your own vomit and are surprised to find yourself in bed with a naked girl. You have absolutely no idea who she is, what you did with her, or--in general--what happened the night before. All you have is the vague sense that, somehow, this makes you awesome.

    This has happened to all of us (maybe), although maybe not as many times as we would have liked. If you’re like most of us, these aren’t your most brilliant moments and you usually screw it up by saying something to the effect of “Hi, I’m Jim. I guess I fucked you?” or “I didn’t piss the bed again, did I?” So I’m offering some help:

    1. Don’t think. You really want to remember what happened, what drugs you took, and how you made it with, depending on your luck, such a hot/ugly/down-syndromed girl. However, thinking in the first three minutes of waking up from a night of severe drinking can cause death or extended erectile dysfunction.

    2. Make sure she’s not your sister. That would be bad.

    3. Check her pulse. As fun as it might be to tell everyone you made it with a dead girl, one plausible alternative is to run like hell.

    4. If she’s fat, here’s where you make your escape.

    5. If she looks like she’s still completely out of it, get in a few boobie squeezes before she comes around. If you have a camera on hand, you’re the man.

    6. Don’t lean over to kiss her. For starters, she probably doesn’t remember you either and will grab the mace she miraculously has handy despite the 12 tequila shots it took her to stoop to your level. Secondly, her breath probably smells like a donkey’s asshole. And finally, your breath probably smells like her asshole.

    7. Under no circumstances admit to not remembering her. If you don’t know her name, tell her to “write down her contact info” and pray she thinks to put her name. Then work it into whatever awkward conversation you’re having with her about her boyfriend or whatever.

    8. Watch out for the psycho. If she says “I love you”, feign a seizure without further delay.

    9. Don’t be nice. The girl who hooks up with raving drunk assholes doesn’t want you to walk her home after a night of anonymous fucking.

    10. Tell. If she was hotter than the last girl, boast about it to absolutely everyone.
    I Hope You Die and Burn In Hell...

  • #2
    lol
    Not Your Normal "Guns, Money, Bitches" Rap

    Comment


    • #3
      lmao

      can this also be used for the females, lol
      ...ALLES IS KUNST...

      Today there will be no remorse at all,
      Come what may.....!

      Comment


      • #4
        is this news?

        Comment


        • #5
          ^ Who gives a fuck, crybaby?
          Originally posted by Tha GAME
          It just makes you look that much more desperate considering I've already posted voicemail of my girlfriend proving she's real.
          Wow.

          Comment


          • #6
            is this news?
            i hope u die...
            I Hope You Die and Burn In Hell...

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Sadistic04
              Waking Up with a Naked Bitch You've never met: The First Steps


              Saturday morning you wake up expecting to be lying in a pool of your own vomit and are surprised to find yourself in bed with a naked girl. You have absolutely no idea who she is, what you did with her, or--in general--what happened the night before. All you have is the vague sense that, somehow, this makes you awesome.

              This has happened to all of us (maybe), although maybe not as many times as we would have liked. If you’re like most of us, these aren’t your most brilliant moments and you usually screw it up by saying something to the effect of “Hi, I’m Jim. I guess I fucked you?” or “I didn’t piss the bed again, did I?” So I’m offering some help:

              1. Don’t think. You really want to remember what happened, what drugs you took, and how you made it with, depending on your luck, such a hot/ugly/down-syndromed girl. However, thinking in the first three minutes of waking up from a night of severe drinking can cause death or extended erectile dysfunction.

              2. Make sure she’s not your sister. That would be bad.

              3. Check her pulse. As fun as it might be to tell everyone you made it with a dead girl, one plausible alternative is to run like hell.

              4. If she’s fat, here’s where you make your escape.

              5. If she looks like she’s still completely out of it, get in a few boobie squeezes before she comes around. If you have a camera on hand, you’re the man.

              6. Don’t lean over to kiss her. For starters, she probably doesn’t remember you either and will grab the mace she miraculously has handy despite the 12 tequila shots it took her to stoop to your level. Secondly, her breath probably smells like a donkey’s asshole. And finally, your breath probably smells like her asshole.

              7. Under no circumstances admit to not remembering her. If you don’t know her name, tell her to “write down her contact info” and pray she thinks to put her name. Then work it into whatever awkward conversation you’re having with her about her boyfriend or whatever.

              8. Watch out for the psycho. If she says “I love you”, feign a seizure without further delay.

              9. Don’t be nice. The girl who hooks up with raving drunk assholes doesn’t want you to walk her home after a night of anonymous fucking.

              10. Tell. If she was hotter than the last girl, boast about it to absolutely everyone.
              lmao

              Comment


              • #8
                lol....
                Till you gotta sip through a straw, shoplifted a mall
                Pictures of me on my mom's living room wall
                Hey ma, maybe I'll give you a call
                Sike you fuckin bitch, suck a dick and two balls

                Comment


                • #9
                  haha...

                  if shes still sleepin,

                  dont 4get to give her a pair of Arabian Sunglasses... or at least slip in a teabag b4 u jet the fuck out.

                  thats wut i do.
                  8 YEARS DEEP

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by corona
                    is this news?
                    who cares, this isnt the news section.
                    Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      2. Make sure she’s not your sister. That would be bad.

                      lol, great stuff

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        LOL great thread I'm gon try to remember that
                        "Say you rollin on dubs, I'll roll over ya shit in a tank/
                        I'm th greatest rapper since _____, fill in th blank/"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          this is some shit they should teach u in school... not if a+b=c and a is 5 and b is 5 then what is c?

                          not that shit

                          but this shit

                          You Can Only Find me In Free Stuff / Hot Deals Section

                          AKA IsMaR, AKA Ismarium, AKA Rakim Allah

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            lmao, funny shit

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Ismarium
                              this is some shit they should teach u in school... not if a+b=c and a is 5 and b is 5 then what is c?

                              not that shit

                              but this shit
                              Ismar, you'll never have to worry about waking up next to anybody but your drool sogged pillow.
                              Originally posted by Tha GAME
                              It just makes you look that much more desperate considering I've already posted voicemail of my girlfriend proving she's real.
                              Wow.

                              Comment

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