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Love ur kids? Prove it by beating them! (too funny)

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  • Love ur kids? Prove it by beating them! (too funny)

    How come everyone today is too much of a pussy to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my ass. We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you're a bad parent?

    Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these assholes on TV with their bullshit hippy psycho babble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich.

    The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down. To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:



    Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a pussy.

    The sucker punch. Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.

    The yard stick. Or for those of you who don't use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message.

    The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

    The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

    The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

    The skull thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

    The one-handed chauffeur reach around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

    The cane intercept. If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.
    There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me.


    Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don't like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots.
    "Saying Jumpoff don't sound right, it's blasphemous, downright, I astound mics, music is just what feelings sound like"- Joe Budden

  • #2
    Another Maddox article. Great.

    Comment


    • #3
      LMFAO.... Nice

      Comment


      • #4
        People need to start crediting Maddox when posting his articles. This was another one of my personal favorites of his.
        "It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it."
        "Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

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        • #5
          Originally posted by EatShytFukker
          People need to start crediting Maddox when posting his articles. This was another one of my personal favorites of his.
          yea ur right, I should. Maddox is the best, honestly. He's like an older brother I never had.
          "Saying Jumpoff don't sound right, it's blasphemous, downright, I astound mics, music is just what feelings sound like"- Joe Budden

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          • #6
            Lmao!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by BANK$
              The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.
              hahahaaaaaa my favourite bit, he says it so casually! lol
              love it!
              thanks for posting that up it was a great read and laugh!!!
              Bang-bang when i chitty-chitty

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Chrizz
                Another Maddox article. Great.
                Maddox is funny, but I like Sean Kennedy and 2 The Ranting Gryphon better. They make their rants in a spoken mp3 form for people who can't read. =P Nice to know that there ARE people in this board who have the patience and literacy to read that long ass Maddox article. I get annoyed when I'm surrounded by 3rd grade drop-outs who can't type shit in a halfway comprehensible language.
                Last edited by Kitsune_Baka; 10-29-2004, 08:21 PM.
                And THEN ya say... http://nnnn.ytmnd.com/
                And -THEN- ya say... http://fireitup.ytmnd.com/
                That's NOOOOOO good! ^_^

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                • #9
                  honestly......

                  even thos im 16 years old and grown ass man, my parents still beat me for shit i do.... i never got grounded or anything... but then again its better this way when u think about it....

                  You Can Only Find me In Free Stuff / Hot Deals Section

                  AKA IsMaR, AKA Ismarium, AKA Rakim Allah

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Ismarium
                    honestly......

                    even thos im 16 years old and grown ass man, my parents still beat me for shit i do.... i never got grounded or anything... but then again its better this way when u think about it....
                    16 is not a "grown ass man"
                    fun facts about canada from real experts!

                    Originally posted by TheRealAshland
                    if you didnt know canada has laws against cursing i do belive
                    Originally posted by PlasticSturgeon
                    gotta love the 80% of each dollar being taken from you and not being able to own gun's.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      "We Dont Have Bot Mista's, WE BECOME MEN THE FIRST TIME OUR FATHER HITS US."
                      http://www.last.fm/user/Real_Hip_Hop

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                      • #12
                        i never got grounded either, i'd get hit if i was naughty
                        Bang-bang when i chitty-chitty

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool.
                          I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene! now your gonna feel what the boom boom mean like tupac said when i die i aint dead we are the matyr's you are squashed tomatoes

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            ^stop freeposting
                            Bang-bang when i chitty-chitty

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              that is sick.... i didnt read it all cos it was too damn long
                              but the impression i got was how to beat up ur kid.
                              i used 2 get smacked around and i dont find it very amusing



                              everyone is entitled to my opinion

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