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my mother was always awed by my passiveness when it came to bad things happening, how i wouldnt cry; but then id cry over a snuggle comercial or something.
ive only had one best friend my entire life; i only knew her for 4 years. her name was Danielle; she was like my spit-sister, she looked out for me because i was always the baby.
i guess you could say she taught me everything i know, her and a few others. we livedwith each other for a while, when i was having probs at my moms house; but she had a drug problem and i cant count how many times i had to care for her while she was coming down, or getting sick. it wasnt always that way,she would tell me, but she got sad sometimes (her boyfriend was fighting charges at the time), and felt like she "needed something" to escape. what was i supposed to tell her? i was fourteen! she was a legal adult by thattime, she should have been able to handle herself, ifigured.
she was doin well for a while, but one day i heard from our good friend sharrone that she overdosed on ketamine, and she was dead. id wondered why she hadnt wrote in a while (my mom had no phone).
i guess not my lack of mourn has come back to bite me in the ass, because its years after the fact, and i am feeling crappy for the first time. i have never had a best friend scince then, which is messed up, because im 20. am i afraid? i dunno.
its not just her i think of. a friend of mine ( or so i had thought) just got locked up this past fall, hes a lifer. andre roundtree, never forget him, he was a jokester and i nevr thought him capable of shooting someone, especially not his boy! i mean, thier mothers bathed themtogether, for christs sake! and over some goddamn moneys! his boys life, BOTH thier lives, really, were worth that much? i really dont know who i can trust. i used to do tis dudes hair. what ifi yanked on it too hard one day and he got mad at me? shit, things have me thinking lately.
i try totalk to my mother abpout how i feel about everyone around me getting killed or being locked up, for one reason or another; but she just switches the subject; usually she wants money (and im sorry mommy but i dont have it-i didnt realize i had toPAY for advice.)
anyways, thats how ive been feeling. never did letthings get to me; is it coming of age thing? maybe im depressed or something? why? nothings changed. i lost my job; maybe its because now i have too much time to think? i dunno....
please someone say i am not alone out there, that someone sometimes feels like they just DONT WANT FRIENDS ANYMORE.
im afraid im gonna lose someone if i get close...better just to have acquaintences and family, friends but not best friends, no relationships, i wont be burned. am i thinking crazy, or is this a plan? do i need to get over it, or just do what i do? im in a slump;
i cant stop reminicing about long lost friends.
ive only had one best friend my entire life; i only knew her for 4 years. her name was Danielle; she was like my spit-sister, she looked out for me because i was always the baby.
i guess you could say she taught me everything i know, her and a few others. we livedwith each other for a while, when i was having probs at my moms house; but she had a drug problem and i cant count how many times i had to care for her while she was coming down, or getting sick. it wasnt always that way,she would tell me, but she got sad sometimes (her boyfriend was fighting charges at the time), and felt like she "needed something" to escape. what was i supposed to tell her? i was fourteen! she was a legal adult by thattime, she should have been able to handle herself, ifigured.
she was doin well for a while, but one day i heard from our good friend sharrone that she overdosed on ketamine, and she was dead. id wondered why she hadnt wrote in a while (my mom had no phone).
i guess not my lack of mourn has come back to bite me in the ass, because its years after the fact, and i am feeling crappy for the first time. i have never had a best friend scince then, which is messed up, because im 20. am i afraid? i dunno.
its not just her i think of. a friend of mine ( or so i had thought) just got locked up this past fall, hes a lifer. andre roundtree, never forget him, he was a jokester and i nevr thought him capable of shooting someone, especially not his boy! i mean, thier mothers bathed themtogether, for christs sake! and over some goddamn moneys! his boys life, BOTH thier lives, really, were worth that much? i really dont know who i can trust. i used to do tis dudes hair. what ifi yanked on it too hard one day and he got mad at me? shit, things have me thinking lately.
i try totalk to my mother abpout how i feel about everyone around me getting killed or being locked up, for one reason or another; but she just switches the subject; usually she wants money (and im sorry mommy but i dont have it-i didnt realize i had toPAY for advice.)
anyways, thats how ive been feeling. never did letthings get to me; is it coming of age thing? maybe im depressed or something? why? nothings changed. i lost my job; maybe its because now i have too much time to think? i dunno....
please someone say i am not alone out there, that someone sometimes feels like they just DONT WANT FRIENDS ANYMORE.
im afraid im gonna lose someone if i get close...better just to have acquaintences and family, friends but not best friends, no relationships, i wont be burned. am i thinking crazy, or is this a plan? do i need to get over it, or just do what i do? im in a slump;
i cant stop reminicing about long lost friends.
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